I keep in touch with four other girls who were history majors with me at Covenant. Our friendship can be characterized as very open and always concerned with huge topics like our faith, our identity, the problems with U.S. foreign policy, interacting with other cultures, etc. So it is natural that I should write them an email that kind of brings to a head a lot of what I've been thinking about lately. The following is parts of that email, which I reproduce, largely because of its summarial nature to my recent musings:

"I feel like a zombie myself. I finished totally and completely for the semester on Monday. That is when I finished the last of my grading for the undergrad class I T.A.’d for. Now I’m going through the weird process of crashing at the end of an insane semester and re-entering “normal” life. Ending school years has always been difficult for me psychologically. The uncertainty of the summer, though wonderful and, at times, relaxing, frightens me. And, at least on my part, I have a fairly scheduled summer already this summer, so I don’t know why I should feel weird, but I do. When I was on campus Monday, it just felt eerie and surreal. When just a few days earlier it was teeming with a burst of life unique to exam week, it was now silent. I go through this every summer after a school year since high school. It takes me a little while to recover.

"This has been such a strange school year anyway. I can’t believe that I’ve been through a year of grad school. And that my grades are good, which still fills me with stunned surprise after the desperate struggle for decent grades at Covenant.

"In addition to just reeling from all the newness of grad school, I’ve been sorting through a lot about just being at LSU. I’ve been wondering if this is the best program for me. Now that I have some confidence as a grad student and vision for what I can contribute to the discipline of musicology, I’ve been wondering if perhaps being at LSU is holding me back. That I am in classes with performance majors (like taking history classes with sociology majors) and that there are few musicology grad students (thus making impossible much of an academic community in which to thrive) are only the beginning. There aren’t courses that I feel that I should have in order to shape and to develop me as a musicologist, and the local Renaissance musicologist has such a complex personality and nervous energy that I think I would go nuts having her as my dissertation advisor. So when I was in Philly at the end of March for a little conference, I had a chat with some people from University of Pennsylvania and from Princeton, which would be my two top choices. And I considered finishing out LSU with a master’s, and going somewhere else for my PhD. Well, Chris and I talked it through, and thought it would be better for us as a family to stay in New Orleans longer. I’m on a fast track to a PhD. He’s making an investment in the lives of his students that he would like see develop for a bit longer, and we’re committed to our church right now. I also had a chat with head of the musicology dept, who I guess is my advisor. I am really glad I spoke with him. I had been keeping most of this to myself, because I didn’t want to blab to a department that was supporting me and potentially would right me recommendations that I was shopping around. But since the conversation with this professor, I feel much better about being at LSU. I’ve arranged for an independent study with him to help fill some gaps. And he’s become much more accessible in terms of casual conversation…sort of like my new dr. steele. Times over coffee in which I can sort through stuff like, why do we periodize music history the way we do? etc., is an invaluable part of how I function as a student. This prof has even given me a key to his office so that I can have access to his books! And the profs at LSU have been good about helping me connect with other scholars in order to best pursue my interests. So AAALLL that to say is that I’m feeling confirmed and at peace about being at LSU.

"So here I am, developing in distinct ways in my identity as a scholar. I feel like I have definitely made the transition from undergrad to grad. The way I interact with what I read and connections that show themselves to me have definitely matured, and that has been so exciting to watch in myself. I’ve even been able to come up with unique ideas for my term papers. But at the end of this semester, I feel a little lost as a person…namely as a Christian woman, as a wife, and, hopefully some day, as a mother. Certainly, we have talked about these things before, and I have hashed through various aspects of these different “callings,” if you will, but I was reminded of them in a pointed way last weekend, when our pastor, Chris, and I went to an ordination and installation service at another church in our Presbytery in Louisiana. I watched as we introduced ourselves to other people and they to us. I watched as the other women gathered their bazillions of children, so obviously home schooled, around them. Then Sunday morning at our church with our two new families with many small children and all the mothers glad to have each other to share raising covenant children stories and swap home school tips. I was left standing there like the last person chosen for kick ball, painfully aware of how I don’t fit. Are other people glad to have me around? (I know that sounds selfish, and I don’t mean it to…well, I hope you understand what I mean…I guess something like do I fulfill a need in someone else for a particular kind of fellowship?) Now I must say, though, that no one has ever done anything to make me feel left out, in fact, quite often I am included in outings and such. It is just by definition. Already the way Chris and I function is quite different from couples around us. Since we both work equally hard outside the home, it makes sense that we should both work equally hard inside the home, doesn’t it? And he is swapping tips about teaching spelling with the home schooling moms. So I guess my question is, what kind of fellowship am I even looking for? Obviously, I don’t expect or even want other women around me to be scholars just like me. Nor do I expect them to engage with my scholarship. Do I want some kind of validation from my society? Should that even matter? I feel that what I’m doing is more than a job. So what implications does it have for my life? We have asked before how to integrate our faith and life and learning, but from the vantage point of life. Now I am standing over on the learning hill wondering how to integrate my life."

I have just woken from a nap. This is my first day of my three-week summer vacation, and I feel it. My body is crashing fast. It's nice, though. This morning Alison and the girls picked me up to go to the zoo. We met another church lady and her four kids (3 girls and a baby boy). There were 7 kids ages 5 and under, and they were all girls except for baby David. They were really fun and well-behaved, so the morning was a blast. It's wonderful to experience life with children. They are so fresh. I think every scholar should spend a good amount of time with children. If our life is one of inquiry, what better way to keep inquiry fresh, unhibited, and unencumbered. A highlight of the morning was the carousel ride. I got to go on and help Abby who was riding a hippo next to Chara Grace's leopard. It was a very warm morning with an immanent storm, but most enjoyably spent hand in hand with several little girls. Towards the end, I quickly realized that I was exhausted. My legs were not used to such rigor. After months of sitting in the car and sitting at the desk, I do believe my muscles have begun to atrophy! I guess that means I'll just have to go to the zoo more often...

Adventures have been manifold in the past couple of days. On Saturday we went to Natchitoches (pronounced NAH-kuh-tish). This is most of Lousiana that we have seen. It was the first time we had been further than Baton Rouge. We went across swamp, lake and bayou that were part of the Atchafalaya Basin...this is real Arcadiana territory...through Lafayette, Alexandria, Pineville. Then the flat, low Basin land started to give way to rolling countryside. It was very remote, but stunningly beautiful. Natchitoches was a lovely town. It felt like a midwest town. It was clean and quaint. We went for the ordination and installation service of the pastor of the OPC mission work there. That in itself was a wonderful event. It was terrific meeting the folks up there and many people from the Pineville church after hearing about them and praying for them regularly. And the actual ordination ceremony was moving...a pictoral display of the Church. It was worth the 5 hour drive there and back. Also worth the trip was fellowship with Russell, our pastor. Our busy lives have made conversation time rare, and it was fun to sit and chat through everything under the sun.

Sunday we had dinner with the Hamilton's. Chara Grace has really missed me this semester. It was touching. She wrote me a card, where she actually had written out her name and my name! At least I could make out the approximate letters in some kind of order resembling my name.

And yesterday I went back up to campus to finish grading. I've always noted that though the quiet campus immediately following a semester is nice, it's also eerie. I feel like I'm not sure what is real...the teeming campus or the quiet campus? Dr. H. showed me his house and cat that I'll look after this summer. After coffee in the evening, I left for the last time to go home. Joanna and I had a wonderfully cathartic conversation. We've both been hashing through...in different ways...our lives as women scholars, and how remote that makes us feel sometimes from other women/people in the church/world.

Now I'm officially done with this semester. (Except for incompletes, but they exist outside the semester.) Josquin potluck was very fun. We had our last class during the scheduled exam time since presentations took too much time and we had a take-home final. I'm so stuffed, though. I made gumbo. Somebody brought muffalettas, and there was salad, chips, appetizers, cupcakes, and Brazilian desserts. Yumm! My Josquin classmates are so fun. And a lot of them are from Iowa! Which is kind of fun. In fact, one of them just got a job teaching a Luther College! They were all talking about their upcoming trips to Iowa next week. *sigh* I love Iowa this time of year...lilacs blooming...just beautiful...
I'm going home.

I got my historiographical essay back in the mail this morning. I knew I was frazzled when I wrote it, but I didn't realize how frazzled I really was. I literally forgot to fill in the blanks. So my first paragraph went something like this: "This essay will examine ____ and attempt to assess _____." Forgetting to fill in my historiographical essay formual...HA!

Woohooo! I'm finished. I just got out of my 19th c final, which was kind of long, repetitive and annoying. I hate tests in which you feel like you've answered the same question in a different form a bazillion times. Blah. Well, at least it's over!

Now grading for the undergrad class....

Goodie...I finished that Josquin final. Now just 19th c. left, wh. I'm not worried about at all...

The Grump hit about midday. It'll be good to go home.

So far I haven't hit a wall of grump today. Despite waking up at 4.30 this am and arriving bright and early for a 7.30 am exam. The 7 o'clock hour in the morning still remains my favorite hour of the day. I think my Strav exam went okay. There were a couple of details I should've been more secure on (like dates...which remain a problem for me despite the fact that I'm an historian...BUT it gets on my nerves to no end when people say "oh he's a big history buff. always liked dates and things." Well, that is not history...anyway...) Speaking of history, I found out I got an A in my history class, which fills me with great joy and exceeding relief.

I'm at home all day. It's so quiet. I went out on the porch and a cool breeze was blowing and the air was cool on my face and bare arms and legs. I made some tea and sat outside. So cool and quiet and dreamy. My only company, the plants and Frank, the lizard who lives on the porch.

Thinking about that essay...I'm a little frustrated with myself. I basically did what I swore I would never do again. I got pushed into a corner and had to produce something fast without much opportunity to rework and polish. I rolled over in my head how I used my time for the last couple of weeks. Could I have avoided it? Other than crashing into a state of incapacitation on Saturdays, I don't know how I could have. Perhaps if I had been a little more disciplined over spring break? I don't know. Well, I'm not going to dwell on it. Careful semester planning is what I'll have to do in the future. I'm a little disappointed, because that was my favorite class, and I wanted it to be really good. It's not bad, just not stellar.

Well, the rest of my week is very manageable. This morning I got up early, watered the plants, transplanted a couple of seedlings, noted with the glee the many tiny green, cherry tomatoes, and set about my day's work. I love my garden. It is so colorful and such a delight. What I'm fascinated with right now is the many different textures. In a planter rack that has rings for several pots, I have small lavendar plants, nasturtium, and vinca. All slightly varied shades of green and all forming their own shape and design, creating such interest for the eyes.

Actually 12 hours is more like it. I wrote that essay in 12 hours. Parts of it aren't too bad, though I think I fizzled out at the end. Oh well. At least it's done. To home I go!

Agonizing over my historiographical essay.

Last night I went to jam with Mo on my cello, despite a broken A string early on in the endeavor. It's not really my comfortable genre of music, but I'm interested in exploring new sounds. And Mo is just cool to hang out with.

I had to administer a 7.30 am exam this am. Which meant I had to leave NOLA at 5.30 am. Ugh. No episodic ravings about mornings today.