February 2009

In the past week or so both Ellis and Marlowe have attained new accomplishments. Isn't that the life of a kid? Always moving to the next level and striving to get there. I could learn something from them.

Ellis (3 1/2)
* of his own volition, deposited Number Two in the porcelain receptacle two times on Sunday (not that that puts in sight of the end goal yet, but babysteps, folks. it is progress.)
* has slept in his own bed all night long with no waking three times in the past couple of weeks. (see above comment)
* can fingerspell his own name with no prompting, all the letters in a row in the right order without looking at any printed letters, all from his own head. (can you tell I'm extremely proud?)

Marlowe (will be 9 mos in 2 days)
* has started letting go and standing on his own for brief increments of time
* not only letting go but bending down to pick something up and then coming up to stand again all without holding on (he did this for the first time on Saturday when Daddy was playing with him at the Please Touch Museum). (can you tell I'm extremely freaked?)
* might actually show signs of being interested in eating solid food. he eats Cheerio bits and today gobbled down about 3 ozs of yogurt.
* I think he's throwing his arms up in the air when he's Done with something (usually being confined in a seating device).

My kids struggle to stay asleep. It's kind of rough going. I've read about sleep. I've tried every strategy possible. People have offered well-meaning advice (nb: don't offer advice). I've done all I can. Seriously, I have. I really don't think there's food allergies or reflux. I've tried giving him more and less independence/space. I've tried swaddling/unswaddling. I've tried putting him in his carseat/in his pack'n'play. He has always had a consistent sleep routine. Sleepy signs? I'm a pro at reading them. When I say I have tried it, I mean it. (Except for extended crying-it-out, which I simply don't believe in.)

Now I just must wait as they grow out of it. And they will. I normally don't talk about it, because what can I say? Marlowe may go a couple of hours without waking, but at certain points in the night, it is hourly. I cope by sharing sleep with my babies. His waking is of minimal disturbance to me as possible, because all I have to do is scooch over a little and pop his pacifier in or switch sides and let him nurse a little. Sometimes he really cries a lot, and then all I have to do is sit up in bed and rock and hold him and soothe him back to sleep. He goes to sleep at naps/night without any trouble. It's staying asleep that's so difficult.

For the most part, I cope, because I have to, and I have sort of gotten used to it. I struggle in more abstract respects, like stringing thoughts together--I can't imagine if I had tried to stay in grad school. I have difficulty remembering things and sometimes following through in certain tasks. A touch of ADD plus extended sleep deprivation just really decimates some of those mundane tasks that seem so effortless for some people, like going to the post office, organizing the pantry, or sorting the clothes the kids have grown out of. Lately I've been trying to sit down and just really try to think on a subject, let the thoughts roll together and form coherence, an activity that I used to do every day for a meager living in grad school. It's really difficult and frustrating now. I feel like a marathon runner who broke a leg in the fog.

I'm not sure why I'm writing about it now. It's such a sensitive topic. It's hard to expose this "parenting failure" of mine, because of just that, I feel like it looks like I'm a failure. I struggle that I care so much what others think that it actually makes me feel that way. I'm pretty confident that I've dealt with the situation as best I can, so why should it feel like failure? or why should worry that other people will think that I've failed in some respect? Sometimes I sit holding him at night, and I begin to feel angry. I think of what I would imagine people to say, judging my choices, and I feel isolated and hurt. Now this is probably a character flaw of my own--getting angry at the imaginary voices. But the isolation is real. I sit and just wonder, how? HOW? HOW!??! do other babies simply sleep? And then I think of my boys and their little brains, how active they must be, that they need to reach for the familiarity and the stability of their parents' love, even in the middle of the night, and how that love is freely offered, night after night. How it is one more way that I can show Christ's love to them. And then I go to sleep, confident and peaceful that it is not "mommy failure" to serve my kids, and in a strange way, content with the fact I will assuredly be awakened much sooner than my earthly body would prefer.

Glitter glue, stickers, paper hearts. Valentines for a classfull and great-grandmothers, too.

Chocolate chip heart pancakes. I spray the metal heart cookie cutters and make perfect hearts.

Hanging with my lovies. A little shopping. Yummy food.

Pink socks with hearts and anchors.

On Monday I was in major declutter/organize mode. I started with my shelves in the wardrobe, but I didn't get very far, because I got distracted for the rest of the day by the kitchen pantry. But in the brief time in my wardrobe, I made of stack of Tshirts i hated and wanted to get rid of. Coincidently, Marlowe needs pants. This stripey Tshirt wasn't so bad. It just looked dowdy on me. But it makes for some cute, comfy stripey pants for Marlowe. I added pockets on the sides for extra cuteness.

Making kids pants is so incredibly easy. Here's a good tutorial if you want to make some!