Sleep that knits up the raveled sleave of care
My kids struggle to stay asleep. It's kind of rough going. I've read about sleep. I've tried every strategy possible. People have offered well-meaning advice (nb: don't offer advice). I've done all I can. Seriously, I have. I really don't think there's food allergies or reflux. I've tried giving him more and less independence/space. I've tried swaddling/unswaddling. I've tried putting him in his carseat/in his pack'n'play. He has always had a consistent sleep routine. Sleepy signs? I'm a pro at reading them. When I say I have tried it, I mean it. (Except for extended crying-it-out, which I simply don't believe in.)
Now I just must wait as they grow out of it. And they will. I normally don't talk about it, because what can I say? Marlowe may go a couple of hours without waking, but at certain points in the night, it is hourly. I cope by sharing sleep with my babies. His waking is of minimal disturbance to me as possible, because all I have to do is scooch over a little and pop his pacifier in or switch sides and let him nurse a little. Sometimes he really cries a lot, and then all I have to do is sit up in bed and rock and hold him and soothe him back to sleep. He goes to sleep at naps/night without any trouble. It's staying asleep that's so difficult.
For the most part, I cope, because I have to, and I have sort of gotten used to it. I struggle in more abstract respects, like stringing thoughts together--I can't imagine if I had tried to stay in grad school. I have difficulty remembering things and sometimes following through in certain tasks. A touch of ADD plus extended sleep deprivation just really decimates some of those mundane tasks that seem so effortless for some people, like going to the post office, organizing the pantry, or sorting the clothes the kids have grown out of. Lately I've been trying to sit down and just really try to think on a subject, let the thoughts roll together and form coherence, an activity that I used to do every day for a meager living in grad school. It's really difficult and frustrating now. I feel like a marathon runner who broke a leg in the fog.
I'm not sure why I'm writing about it now. It's such a sensitive topic. It's hard to expose this "parenting failure" of mine, because of just that, I feel like it looks like I'm a failure. I struggle that I care so much what others think that it actually makes me feel that way. I'm pretty confident that I've dealt with the situation as best I can, so why should it feel like failure? or why should worry that other people will think that I've failed in some respect? Sometimes I sit holding him at night, and I begin to feel angry. I think of what I would imagine people to say, judging my choices, and I feel isolated and hurt. Now this is probably a character flaw of my own--getting angry at the imaginary voices. But the isolation is real. I sit and just wonder, how? HOW? HOW!??! do other babies simply sleep? And then I think of my boys and their little brains, how active they must be, that they need to reach for the familiarity and the stability of their parents' love, even in the middle of the night, and how that love is freely offered, night after night. How it is one more way that I can show Christ's love to them. And then I go to sleep, confident and peaceful that it is not "mommy failure" to serve my kids, and in a strange way, content with the fact I will assuredly be awakened much sooner than my earthly body would prefer.
Comments
I love the post title! We
I love the post title! We just read that today in British Lit class!
I hate to read about the effects of your sleep deprivation - I know that is so very difficult. I've had difficulty sleeping all my adult life, and until I finally intervened (I take a sleep aid and have a sound machine), it really made it hard to function, just as you described.
As I see it, you and Chris have made very deliberate choices, after much thinking, about how to parent. Not letting your children cry is one of them, and it's important to you - but it has its ramifications. I'm sure you know I don't necessarily agree with your position, but that's irrelevant; they are for you, not for me. Don't sit up at night wondering, "What would people think?" It's not worth it! These are the choices you've made.
We allowed all our children to cry. They didn't do it for long, and they learned to go to sleep (and stay asleep) on their own. Perhaps because good sleep was such a big issue for me, I wanted very much for them to be good at sleeping long and hard, and being able to sleep easily and quickly. I felt it was a health issue, and I didn't want any of us more sleep-deprived than we needed to be. They all slept through the night, and alone, by 3 months.
J - don't worry what others think. If this issue is important to you, and it obviously is, settle it in yourself. You believe firmly that you've made the right choice for you and your children. Don't be afraid to rethink it - it will probably solidify it for you. The sleep deprivation itself may be one thing that is making it sensitive for you. Your comfort in knowing that you are doing what you believe is best for your children is really the most crucial thing here. Love you!!!
You're NOT alone. I'm
You're NOT alone. I'm convinced that the feeling of isolation is one of Satan's devices. You're right, that you're loving them and taking care of their needs. And you are a GREAT mom. I find that the brainlessness is what kills me the most. I feel like an idiot because I can't even hardly carry on a decent conversation, then that just contributes to the mean voices inside the head. Thanks for sharing, because it makes me feel not alone!
J- WHO CARES what people
J- WHO CARES what people think?! I'm right there with MK.
great post BUT girl, sounds
great post BUT girl, sounds like YOU need to get some sleep! As much as I hate it and you said NOT to give advice...the CRY IT OUT method in the end is the ONLY thing that will BREAK the habit...not age...
Beautiful post, Jnet! Those
Beautiful post, Jnet!
Those voices...wow, sometimes I think they're one of the hardest things about parenting. And sometimes it's so hard to tell what the outside voices are, and what the voices are that are just me embracing mommy guilt over [whatever decision I/we have made], and what are the still, small voices that I actually need to listen to. It sounds like you've figured out what the voices are for your children, even with the static of those other voices warring in your head.
I'm only responding because
I'm only responding because of those who might read and aren't yet well-versed in the fine arts of sleep debates. For one, there is no universal solution to any problem. Because crying might "work" for one kid doesn't mean that is ONLY way. Second, there are two types of kids, those who fuss to wind down and those who fuss and wind up. The former work well with a little bit of crying-out, and you can usually tell if your kid is the former within 10 mins. My kids are the latter--I've let them cry for about 10 mins to see if they needed some space to wind down. They don't. Third, there is research (Tulip Girl? Links?) about brain damage in babies from extended crying, and frankly, I'm not surprised. Fourth, "crying it out" undermines my whole parenting philosophy, which strives to build a strong parent-child bond. The child cries as a form of communication, not as an "annoyance" or "rebellion", by responding to the baby's communication, I offer communication back. Our bond is strengthened because the lines of communication are open. I'm not saying you can't a bond if you let your child cry, but I think we have stronger one with our kids for not letting them cry. The bond is important to me. It is the basis for communication, for discipline, for teaching them. I'm not going to jeopardize it because some how MY needs seems more important than my kids'. Why is it all of a sudden, that MY rest becomes so important, that *I* as the ADULT, can't sacrifice a little, die to myself a little, to take care of the least of these, my CHILD!?
SO there. DON'T speak to me of crying. This is not an invitation to debate.
you are not alone! i used to
you are not alone! i used to be up in the middle of the night angry, stewing, crying, and worried that i was doing something wrong. even though every single instinct in my body and heart was telling me that i could not listen to my baby cry. after much praying and talking with DH i realized (as your post is suggesting) that i was doing what felt right for us and that god would honor that. i also realized that i needed to do a better job of communicating with DH about my frustrations and lack of sleep - and he gladly stepped in where he could to lighten my load. it also helped me to read stuff by dr. sears and to have the attitude of "night time parenting." this enabled me to realize that responding to my baby at night was just as important as responding during the day and took away a lot of my resentment over losing sleep.
the other thing i realized is that there are stages to every child's sleep so even if something you tried didn't work one week, it may work at a different time.
i always found it ironic that eventually my kids did learn to sleep well and on their own - in their own times and their own ways.
and i think you are right - parenting is the ultimate example of being able to show christ's love in a tangible way. i doubt christ was ever thinking about his convenience or comfort as he ministered and eventually died.
one day our kids will be grown and gone and i doubt i will ever think, "man, i really wish i hadn't gotten up in the middle of the night to cuddle him!"
My children do not sleep
My children do not sleep either. They are just not wired to be good sleepers, and I, too, tried everything except for leaving them to cry. Caleb slept through 8 hours randomly at 7 months, but he did not do so regularly until 14 months. I worked full time teaching fifth grade without one full night of sleep the whole year. The month after Caleb started sleeping through, I got pregnant with Alexa, who is an even worse sleeper. She didn't sleep 8 hours in a row until over a year old and finally started sleeping through the night around the same age as Caleb. I coped better with her, though, because I kept her in our room for much longer. Even now at 3.5 and 1.5, one or the other of them probably wakes 2-3 nights a week. I just figure that I am a parent 24/7, so I respond to their needs in the night as I would in the day. Hang in there!
Oh, and can I just say, he is
Oh, and can I just say, he is stinkin' cute.
I liked your follow-up, Jnet.
I liked your follow-up, Jnet. It's so true that all children's sleep needs and patterns are different. I think with twins that especially comes home to me. Same parents, same bedtime routine, same crib, same developmental stage....but, completely different little individuals, with very distinctive sleep needs and patterns. Ian's our fabulous sleeper, if he cries at night, it's usually out of annoyance that he's been woken up (by Elanor, usually), and actually, just wants us to leave the room so he can konk out again. He'll usually stop crying as soon as we start to exit, like he's saying, "Phew, now I can get back to what's important, sleep!"
Elanor, on the other hand, needs lots of night-time parenting (I type with bleary eyes) because she (unfortunately) processes her stress at night. It's totally predictable, if it's been a hard day, or if she hasn't taken a good nap, we pretty much have to gear up for a long night. I've finally come to accept it as part of her personality, something that I can work with (by trying to decrease daytime stress, overtiredness), but not something I can fundamentally change. Just coming to know her as a person, I know that her little heart would be crushed if we stopped responding to her at night.
Anyways, just wanted to say that your post was encouraging again this morning.
Girl, you know I am right
Girl, you know I am right there with you. I really do believe that some kids come with brains that are programmed to sleep through the night, and some, like yours and mine, just don't. I think my frustration kicks in the hardest when I feel like I've done everything right and it still isn't "working," which really is a terrible attitude to have toward any human relationship, especially my relationship with my child, for crying out loud. Like she's a problem to be solved or something. I don't want to view her like that, and I feel like a lot of sleep philosophies approach child sleep that way. Anyway, I say a hearty amen to the idea that some of them really do just have to outgrow it. These days, Kate sleeps better than she ever has before, mostly all the way through the night in fact, but she didn't get anywhere close to doing that until she was almost a year old. When she did sleep through the night it wasn't because I changed anything I did. She just got there on her own, and some nights she still wakes up for no reason that I can discern. When that happens, I do the best I can that night and figure that tomorrow is another day. A day with coffee. Lots of coffee. Love your thoughts, as always. Hang in there.
J - Sorry to have upset you.
J - Sorry to have upset you. I wasn't debating. I didn't give advice, because you asked for none. I only told you my own sleep issues. You are right that this is all about parenting philosophy, not sleep. And philosophy boils down to theology. So I'm not going to say anything more, b/c I can tell this is really a hot issue for you. I wish you the best. My four children are certainly all different. We are a very tight family, as you know. I have great relationships with all of them. Letting them cry at 4 weeks old has not affected that at all.
Hey j'nette. I have nothing
Hey j'nette. I have nothing but hugs to offer. I know soon it will be the time of no sleep for my household and I fear it. When it comes maybe I will call you and we can have interrupted, nonsense conversations to prove to ourselves that we are not alone.
Don't let the voices get to
Don't let the voices get to you! God gives us sooo much flexibility when it comes to parenting and he gives grace abundantly. Diber, I wish I lived nearby so our kids could play at my house while you napped at yours! God bless you, my friend. From what I hear, these years pass by quickly. So after I've snapped at my kid--and have had time to think about the joys of child-rearing--I realize how grateful I am to be a mama. Your boys are gorgeous and are incredible little blessings.
Hey, I understand-- I don't
Hey, I understand-- I don't think Kent's sleep issues have ever been as pronounced as Ellis's, but we've had many a sleepless night (how can he just BE AWAKE for 3 hours in the night??) and I know the bleary mom feeling, at least a bit. I think a lot of us who don't believe in using CIO struggle with nighttime parenting, at least I know most of the moms in my AP group have dealt with it in one way or the other, even with older toddlers. Most of them share sleep (kudos to you for that!), and we all believe that despite the deleterious effects of Mommy Brain, we're doing the very best thing for our child(ren) and the best thing to foster our relationship with them, rather than seeing them as a burden or something that should be trained to fit in our adult concept of what good sleep is. "Good" sleep is just so different for tiny ones. I also totally agree with you about kids who get wound up by crying, because I know that Kent is one of those. Hugs to you, my dear. I have almost-daily fantasies about getting to catch up on sleep, but I know that I'll never regret parenting my son by listening to my instincts and doing what nature intends us to do, respond to our children.
Aww he is such a cutie! You
Aww he is such a cutie! You do whatever you feel is right. There is no 'right' way to parent, I sure wish there was a book or something though...these teenage years are killin' me! I love the fact that you considered their little brains are just movin' movin'. Its true. You seem like a great mom to me!
Failure? Are you kidding me?
Failure? Are you kidding me? Puhleeze :) Babies are supposed to cry. That's just what they do. I look at it as an opportunity for us to grow as parents in our relationship with God and them. It cerrtainly helps us become more patient, forgiving, mellow, and (I agree with you) more bonded to our babes. I let my first CIO and it was awful. After the first attempt, I withdrew my efforts and only attempted it half heartedly. By the time I got to child #2,I gave up. Yeah, so she didn't sleep all night til she was about 2. In retrospect, big deal! She sleeps great now! Eventually they will sleep. But then...they will be in college and you will miss their sweet little snuggly selves! It is *such* a short window of time and we are just a vapor....
I have to say that I really
I have to say that I really appreciate your honesty and openness, and I hope it's helpful for moms with all different approaches to read what you wrote. I'm thinking of you up at night, thinking of other moms. That really touched my heart, and it breaks my heart that you would potentially feel judged or that someone might think it *is* your fault for not letting him cry. You are obviously a great mom, very sensitive, and I think you *will* reap the benefits of this approach down the line in terms of a child who one day will sleep without anxiety or fear, and will have a very trusting relationship with his mom! And one day when you can't even wake him up when he's a teen, you can give him a hard time about what he was like when he was a baby. ;)
I had a non-sleeper as well, with my first. She was a classic "high needs" baby, who really needed touch almost 24/7. She would sleep on me. If her little head touched that crib, well, she would wake up shortly. So we shared a bed and I nursed and resettled numerous times a night during her first year, but thankfully it really didn't disturb me all that much. (Might have been different if I had another child, though, more disruptive... but I would have coped.) Sooner than I even imagined (1.5 yo) we saw significant sleep improvement... then teeth would come, the sleep would worsen a bit. But by 2.5 yo she was sleeping pretty well, all through the night, and by 3 yo she was in her own room. Now she's 5 yo, and sleeps great except for the occassional bad dream. No "terrible" effects from not doing CIO as a baby. I firmly believe that CIO would have not "fixed" her sleep issues at all, and would have done long-term damage to my relationship with her. I am so glad that I chose another path, supported by my husband.
I'm even more laid back with my now 2 yo... she's fast approaching 3 yo and I know that our snuggly days are nearing an end. So I'm trying to enjoy them, and not begrudge her the need to have someone help her fall asleep, and occassionally be re-settled at night. I know this stage will end soon enough.
I think you're doing an
I think you're doing an amazing job doing for your children what God does with all of his children. Isn't it amazing how God knows each one of us so very intimately? He knows exactly how to communicate with each one of us in the way that is just right, the way we will best understand, the exact way that will meet our individual needs. He has no formula, no program. He knows you by name and he meets your needs. And I've never once heard him yell at my husband because it takes him half an hour to relax enough to fall asleep nor because he can't sleep when he's alone in his bed. And my sister has never felt abandoned by God because every stress of her life plays itself out in the night, leaving her an insomniac. God abides with her, comforting her.
Nope. God sees us as individual people, with individual needs, individual personalities and ways of operating. He meets us where we are and loves us not in spite of who we are, but *because* of who he made us to be. Keep on loving your boys the same way. You continue to be my mommy hero.
Meandering away from the
Meandering away from the heart of this post. . . diber mentioned that I have research and links. . . so I thought I'd share a bit for those who are interested.
One of the most interesting summaries of the current research can be found here at
http://www.infantsleep.org .
In short the current research on sleep specifically related to CIO does not support the notion that "the cry it out method in the end is the only thing" that will work to develop good sleep patterns.
The majority of the CIO on sleep has been done with toddlers and children, not infants -- and it is a mistake to extrapolate the research to infants, especially those under six months (and yet popular literature commonly does.) As for the efficacy of CIO on promoting good sleep, the results are mixed. Again, remember this is with toddlers and children, sometimes it "works" to encourage longer stretches of sleep and sometimes it doesn't. And there are other methods, that similarly, often "work," that don't involve crying-to-sleep train or uncomforted crying.
While common parenting folklore is that a baby has to just CIO for 3-4 nights and then sleeps fine, actual research shows that even when CIO "works" to help sleeping, it takes more nights than that, often includes extinction bursts, and can be disrupted by illness on normal growth spurts.
Related, very little of the research looks only whether the child sleeps more, not at the related effects of crying-to-sleep-train. However the research related to crying on the infant and child physiology does raise quite a few concerns, including the impact of large amounts of cortisol washing the brain during extended crying. Similarly, the research on attachment disorders raises yellow flags.
Maybe I'm a nerd, but I've got tons of research studies from various journals on my laptop related to infant sleep and CIO and related topics. If anyone is really interested, I'm happy to share them.
One of the reasons I'm
One of the reasons I'm pointing to research is that I often hear, "Well, CIO worked for me. . ." and I know just as many moms who can say, "CIO just DIDN'T work for me."
Both of those experiences are valid. . . but when we look to research (observing and learning from God's creation), then we are better equipped to make decisions that work WITH the design of creation . . . and not simply current parenting fads or folklore.
I just wanted to say that
I just wanted to say that while I've never had quite the sleep issues with any particular baby like you describe, I can relate to your lack of sleep and it can be miserable! I 100% agree with your methods in this area and I also do not agree with CIO in general. We share a bed with our baby. Our little one actually sleeps amazingly well! It's his big sisters and big brother that are troubling! Really, none of them are particularly abnormal in their sleep habits, it's just that they very often alternate in their night-waking/comforting/nursing needs which between the four of them... well it keeps us up a lot! Right now, this seems to drag on forever, but all too soon they will grow up!
I had a whole new
I had a whole new appreciation for my two lousy sleepers (but great snugglers!! and terrific nurslings!) when I talked to my mother-in-law. She remembered, "Oh, yeah. . . . my kids were the same way. And you know what? *MY* mother-in-law told me that her TWELVE kids were exactly the same way. They just needed Mommy or especially Daddy to hold them while they wound down."
And as I thought about it, it made sense. You know. Hillbillies in the Ozarks. The kids that survived are the ones who were held and snuggled. So it's kinda genetic.
It made me remember the long history of hill folk that were in our past. . . . From Thomas Jefferson and Daniel Boone and Merriweather Lewis. It made sense.
Such are the things I remember in the middle of the night. . . .
hey girl, I think you need to
hey girl, I think you need to find some parenting groups with other moms who don't sleep as much either! It might help your "midnight voices".
in my neck of the woods most moms who make my choices are also attachment parentists, for lack of a better way to define. They think I"m wierd cause I "schedule".
you may be over-committed with all the things you run to for Ellis, but have you found holisticmoms.org? Or even LaLeche League!
I think most mothers struggle with feeling like we are failures about something. But you and I aren't God. We don't know all the answers. And even perfect parenting can lead to sin in the world--our kids aren't robots! thank God!
hugs!
J'nette I have gone the past
J'nette I have gone the past 6 years with multiple sleep interruptions because of night waking for one reason or another. It's only been the last four months or so, since I switched back to disposable pull ups for the night and both boys have gotten older, that we've all gotten enough sleep. And just in time, it turns out, because now we are all dealing with my health problems and need all the sleep we can get. I wasn't happy about losing the cloth diapers but it was a necessary compromise for me. Like the old ladies rocking on the porch say, "It's always something."
I think you are doing a fabulous job. You have obviously put a lot of thought and prayer and effort into finding the best way for your family. Give yourself credit and be gentle with yourself. Every parent goes through those nights of doubt and anger and second guessing. Anger and frustration are just part of the lack of sleep and they are also your real feelings. Let them be what they are and let them pass. You are acting out of love and grace and that is what is ultimately important. I have those judgmental voices in my head too - we all do. It's always a challenge to dismiss them. Hang in there girlfriend. These days will pass.
I still want to meet up with you at the Please Touch or at Morris Arb. later in the spring when I am feeling stronger. I might have another round of surgery to go through before that - we'll see.
just wanted to say that you
just wanted to say that you are not alone. my boys don't sleep either. getting to sleep is no prob, it's the staying asleep. i keep reminding myself that it will pass and also i read a fact somewhere that high-need kids are, in fact, highly intellectual. that comforts me somewhat. ;)
p.s. i couldn't let my boys
p.s. i couldn't let my boys cry to sleep...they cry until they throw up so crying-it-out was definitely NOT an option. not that i want it to be. meeting their emotional needs is more important to me than getting a good night's sleep...something i know i will get eventually. =P
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