Lilian wrote about a book that is exactly what I have been looking for for years: Mama, Ph.D: Women Write About Motherhood and Academic Life (Rutgers University Press 2008), edited by Elrena Evans and Caroline Grant. (A university press, no less!)

The book also has a website:

Mama, Ph.D. is a literary anthology of deeply-felt personal narratives by women both in and out of the academy, writing about their experiences attempting to reconcile bodies with brains. This anthology voices stories of academic women choosing to have, not have, or delay children. The essays in this anthology will speak to and offer support for any woman attempting to combine work and family, and will make recommendations on how to make the academy a more family-friendly workplace.

And a blog on the Inside Higher Ed website!!!!

When I started grad school six years ago these kinds of conversations seemed to be happening in hushed tones on the few blogs that were out there. I sought out women to hear their stories of how they made it work. And all the while, isn't it ridiculous that having a family and a profession is such a big deal that it even requires a conversation? Academia used to be for the old men who did little else. Now it's for "real people." Which is exciting. Having a variety of people in academics will lead to a greater variety of scholarship. Where I see myself in all that in the future? I have no idea. One year at a time.

p.s. Lilian's post is pretty good, too!

You may find this article interesting: Why Do Babies Cry.

It discusses the anatomy and physiology of the first few minutes of a newborn's life. What happens as they exchange breathing through the umbilical cord to breathing through their lungs. It's really cool!!

And there's 10 weeks more. Could I get any bigger?
I don't think I'll go all the way to 40 weeks. I really don't. I'm guessing somewhere around 37 or 38.
(If I'm totally wrong, do not...I repeat...DO NOT rub it in my face or remind me in any way that I thought it would be a little earlier.)
The midwife did report on Wednesday at my appointment that the baby was head down. I know this doesn't mean anything by way of when the baby will actually be born. But it's the first step. And a relief when that happens.

Anyway, given my previous experience with Ellis, I'm going to be ready for this baby by 36 weeks. 'Cause I'm sure it's more fun sitting around waiting and prepared than utterly unprepared with a new baby. Besides, if I'm waiting, I can always find something to do, like organize the pantry or something. Or lie around and watch TV. You know, a variety of constructive options.

But since this baby is my second I don't have to start from scratch. That's nice.

So I'm drafting my to-do list here. Any commentaries on helpful/unhelpful things are welcome

Stuff To Get:
* sidecar cosleeper thingy. I'm one of those people who before she had a baby never understood the appeal of cosleeping...until I had a baby, and then I couldn't imagine doing otherwise. Love it. But I'm also a very light sleeper, and think I might do better if I had a little distance when not nursing, but still close enough that I wouldn't have to sit up or move or anything to nurse. I like the added safety a cosleeper would bring, too. i want to get a full-size so that I can use it as long as possible. I really don't want to set up the crib until at least 6 mos, and then use it only for naps, which we did with E and really liked. I have a pack'n'play with bassinet insert, too. But I plan on using that in living room behind the couch as a changing table until I feel like getting down on the floor where my basket system is for E. It might also be a nice nap place (esp if this baby is deaf, too. haha!) or safe place to put baby while i go to the bathroom kind of thing. So the cosleeper is probably the biggest purchase. That and a second carseat for when he grows out of the infant seat, but that can wait a bit.

* a highchair. I borrowed the one I used for E. I plan on getting Ikea's Antilop. My kitchen is SO small, I can't imagine having anything larger than this. Besides, I love that it's so simple, definitely redefines cleaning a highchair. And at $20, how could I resist.

* Moriah made me a cool pouch sling with padded legs. I'm very excited about this. I would also like to try a wrap, and I'm hoping I can meet someone who has one for me to try. I've been looking online for babywearing groups and am not having much luck. There was a group that met near here not long ago, but they met on Sunday, so no luck there. And I already have the Beco. So I feel pretty set for my babywearing needs. The stroller continues to gather dust in the back our van. It has its place; I'm not totally anti-stroller. But I will admit, it's not my favorite baby accessory, and I see no need for strollers in the first several months. And it's still in good shape, so I don't need a new one. That's just my style.

* Grammy just got us two swaddling blankets that are reported truly to be miracle blankets. I'm SO excited about this. ANYthing that will potentially help this baby be a better sleeper.

* I may get a couple of fresh new onesies and nightgowns for him, too. So that not everything he has is hand-me-down.

* I need new nursing bras. I threw away the ones I had before after E weaned, because they were so worn out.

STUFF TO DO
* Total Bedroom Makeover. We have to rearrange our teeny, tiny bedroom in order to make room for the cosleeper. And we're going to patch the plaster and paint it! And do something about extra storage/shelving and work on general coziness. I may even make new curtains. I need to make a quilt for the bed, too. It will be nothing fancy. But we can't use the duvet while cosleeping. And it's too hot for summer anyway.

* Sew!
-- The living room curtains. Chris would love it if I would sew a couch cover before our couch is totally destroyed. Some big pillows for toddlers to roll around on contributing to Ultimate Living Room Coziness.
-- The quilt. Maybe bedroom curtains.
-- Cute little lightweight cotton infant pants, because I think they are the cutest ever. Burp cloths (b/c spitup is infinitely more tolerable if you have awesome looking burp clothes). The diaper bag of my dreams, with compartments just the way I like. Soft baby shoes.
-- Some dressup stuff for E for his birthday in June.
-- Get caught up on gifts.

* Read stuff.
-- I want to read What your Doctor May Not Tell you about Children's Vaccinations and The Vaccination Book from Dr. Sears. I'm interested in delayed/selective vaccinations. I think vaccinating can be a good thing, but I don't think little babies should be pumped up with all the stuff, nor should they be vaccinated against STDs (um. yea.). But I need to know more. And I think I may have to find a new pediatrician, too, which I dread doing. But I have some numbers to call.
-- My birthin' books. I'm mostly going through Natural Childbirth the bradley way, which I like b/c is common sense/practical. I've also been reading Hypnobirthing, which, if you can get past the title, has some helpful things regarding relaxation. I'm not sure if I can totally get into it, but I like it's overall concept.

Okay. So there's my list. If I think of more, I'll add to it. But it's nice to write it all out. It's SO NICE to just be able to relax and have fun getting ready for baby, instead of madly finishing a semester and packing up house and home and moving across the country mere weeks before the baby is born. I didn't get to nest with my first baby, so I'm soaking it up now.

Some people are just badass.

Click here for the beginning of a series by Camille, former BJU prof, rockin' mama, brilliant scholar.

I don't know why I am even blogging about this, since it will likely end up in a fruitless ramble and totally uninteresting. It just rolls around in my head all the time. I'm always thinking about "when I get back into research/into a PhD program". I'm not working on anything now. Not a thing. Quiet moments I steal for sewing. It feels more productive, and it has instant gratification status. Something research doesn't have. I don't feel gratified about my thesis and the stupid thing is signed, sealed, and delivered. In fact, as I was dusting this morning, I had the thought again, "was it even any good?" Obviously I passed. And my committee members aren't the type of people who would "just be nice" and let it pass. So it couldn't have entirely stunk. But still, it's not the taste that I want left in my mouth on this hiatus from brain work. Whatever. It is what it is.

Anyway, the thesis aside, it is done after all--I do think about other things. I think that I ought to be keeping up my chops in some areas, medieval/Ren notation, Latin, languages. I should read those books that I never got to. Linger over passages I never had time for. It's more than just an "i ought to". I do want to. I miss the ol' repertoire I was starting to get familiar with, starting to make a home in. I've missed it for awhile, since it wasn't anywhere near my thesis topic. I feel like if I sit down with it, it will start coming back to me, like riding a bike. I have a very solid foundation in reading mensural notation. And I love it!

In the Christmas season, I went to hear Anonymous 4. I should've blogged about it, because it was a fantastic concert experience. Partly due to the fact that I simply cannot remember that last time I had gone to a concert. The time is measured in years, for sure. It may have been when I went to hear the Emerson Quartet in spring 2004. I'm really pathetic. But anyway, back to Anon. 4, they sang a medieval mass the parts of which they had assembled. It had a little something of everything, early polyphony, chant, tropes of varying sorts, songs. A nice showcase of 13th/14th century liturgical music. It felt really good to listen to it--and thrilling to be hearing it live--partly because I knew what was going on. Even after this break in even thinking about it, I really understood the different parts musically as I listened to them. (And I kind of felt like giving a music appreciation class to everyone around me, but I managed to restrain myself.)

Sometimes I feel annoyed. Why do I know all this stupid, esoteric stuff? What was the purpose of slaving away in grad school for 5 years? All that work is hardly making a difference in my life now. That's not to say that it won't possibly someday. It just feels annoying now.

Other than reading a little and possibly working through my facsimile, which has a great variety of 14th/15th c repertoire, I'm not sure what else I could be doing right now. There's no way I could work on an article. I do have a couple of ideas, but they would take a major investment of time and energy that I'm not prepared to give. If I do ever reapply to PhD programs, though, I don't want to have a big fat blank in these intervening years. I guess if I ever got to the point of writing a personal statement, I would've figured some of this out anyway. You can't just apply in an aimless sort of way. You have to be someone worth investing in. Whatever. I'm just not that person at this phase in my life. Especially since I'm having another baby in a few months. Yes, can you believe it!? I'm still pregnant!!

I don't want to sound dissatisfied with where I am right now, because I'm really happy to be doing what I'm doing, raising my babies. I want the freedom I have to spend hours playing cars with E. And it's hard to think of splitting my precious mental energy. It's just that, well, I am the sum of my past, I suppose. I can't just break off that bit of me I invested so much and totally shelve it. But it's there on the shelf. And sometimes I think I could be happy just leaving it there forever. I don't know. *shrug*

I have recently found a blog that just blows me away. It's my new favorite blog: The Artful Parent: The intersection of Art and Parenting.

The title kind of says it all. It's about a mother and her interactions with her toddler doing art things, resources for the rest of us, art ideas, art concepts, and the philosophy of doing art with children. They have weekly art playdates with other toddlers. I love it because it partly explores what is developmentally appropriate for their age, developing their own sense of creativity.

I know nothing about art. At best, I can categorize paintings into historical genres and mediums. I know what was important when. I know the Virgin Mary is painted in cobalt blue. But as far as applied art? nothing. Never had an art class. Ever. Not even in high school. We had art class like 3 times in first grade. And I think after school a couple of times in jr high. I've always had art supplies available to me. I've dibbled and dabbled here and there, reading a few books. But basically I know nothing. But I think creativity is really important, and its something I want to inspire daily with my kids. Resources like this blog are really valuable to me, because I'm getting an education about more constructive ways to share the art experience with my toddler.

Out of 34 votes, 21 voted for girl and 13 for boy.

pretty sure it's a boy!!

After waiting an hour and a half past my appt time, we finally got in there, and position-wise the baby wasn't quite as cooperative as E had been for the moment of reckoning. He lay on his back, belly-up. We could see his face and got many very cute views of him opening his mouth and swallowing amniotic fluid. And at the end we did the gender check, and it wasn't quite as dead clear as it was for E, but the technician seemed pretty certain and when he pointed things out, I could see it. So it seems to be a boy.

The baby is developing beautifully and seems to be in good health. And measured right on for my due date.

The whole time we were in there, we kept trying to point out on the screen that there's the baby to Ellis. He just kept saying "baby" (beebee) and signing baby over and over and over. So cute! The technician was great and asked for signs to share with Ellis, "baby", "heart", "boy".

Definitely excited for E to have a brother. Though I'll have to modify some of my mental sewing projects. (Girls are just fun to sew for.) I think we're going to name him Marlowe, which we just thought of the other day...we had been pretty set on Frederick before, but Marlowe and Ellis sound so cute together. So unless we have another major epiphany, Marlowe it is. (And keeps up with our tradition of finding names among writers and musicians: Christopher Marlowe, in this case)

Ellis was a major trooper. He did very well, despite being cooped up at the hospital for 3 hours. Afterwards we went over and played with his best girlfriend Maddie, and we all ate dinner together after hanging out at Barnes and Noble, where the kids played with the train table.

i found E a cute book to try to help explain the pregnancy and immanent brotherhood.
.

Hello, Baby by Lizzy Rockwell

It has images of Mommy being pregnant, a great page of drawings of the developing fetus in the uterus, the little boy getting to hear the heartbeat with the Doppler (something E does when going to the midwife with me), the boy's stay with grandparents when baby is born, and then basic baby care with pictures of Mom breastfeeding, the baby crying, cleaning the umbilical cord stump, and dressing baby. I thought it was a good age appropriate book. I looked at a few that were great but more scientific than I think would be helpful for him at this point. I think he'll love having a baby brother. :-)

So I finally signed up on Goodreads. I'm still figuring it out. From the looks of it, though, I'm apparently the last person in the world to be on there. Hopefully it will encourage me to actually finish books. I'm not used to having free reading air since I was in school for forever. I hear paper is better on the eyes, though, than an LCD screen. So I might try to renew my acquaintance with the ol' bound pulp.

Maybe I should've posted this yesterday, but I was too busy, zipping off to Lancaster to visit my family for the rest of the afternoon.

In her comments yesterday, my mom ponders I just wonder is it easier to never have heard, than to hear and lose it?.

Beethoven had hearing. He was an accomplished musician at an early age, playing the piano deftly. As a young man, he began to lose his hearing. He wrote the following in 1802, when he was 32 years old. It is now known as the "Heiligenstadt Testament." In it he reflects to his brothers on his hearing, mourning and tormented by its loss. (I've highlighted certain portions in bold.) A year later, he wrote his Third Symphony, "Eroica" and five years later, Symphony No. 5. Legend has it (and I don't have the time or resources to double check at the moment; it's a nice story, at any rate) at the performance of his last symphony, the Ninth (you know, 'ode to joy'), he couldn't hear the applause and a member of the orchestra had to turn him around to see the exuberance of the audience. If he had lived now, there probably would've been help for him, but one can only imagine the great music playing inside that man's head.

Heiligenstadt Testament

For my brothers Carl and [Johann] Beethoven

Oh you men who think or say that I am malevolent, stubborn, or misanthropic, how greatly do you wrong me. You do not know the secret cause which makes me seem that way to you. From childhood on, me heart and soul have been full of the tender feeling of goodwill, and I was ever inclined to accomplish great things. But, think that for six years now I have been hopelessly afflicted, made worse by senseless physicians, from year to year deceived with hopes of improvement, finally compelled to face the prospect of a lasting malady (whose cure will take years or, perhaps, be impossible). Though born with a fiery, active temperament, even susceptible to the diversions of society, I was soon compelled to withdraw myself, to live life alone. If at times I tried to forget all this, oh how harshly I was I flung back by the doubly sad experience of my bad hearing. Yet it was impossible for me to say to people, "Speak louder, shout, for I am deaf." Ah, how could I possibly admit an infirmity in the one sense which ought to be more perfect in me than others, a sense which I once possessed in the highest perfection, a perfection such as few in my profession enjoy or ever have enjoyed.--Oh I cannot do it; therefore forgive me when you see me draw back when I would have gladly mingled with you. My misfortune is doubly painful to me because I am bound to be misunderstood; for me there can be no relaxation with my fellow men, no refined conversations, no mutual exchange of ideas. I must live almost alone, like one who has been banished;